The Dressing: A Thanksgiving Terror

In this episode of Home for the Holidays, a shiftless husband unleashes a holiday horror on his family when he substitutes the key ingredient in a tried-and-true Thanksgiving recipe. If you thought burning the mac n’ cheese or overcooking the turkey was bad, get a load of a truly diabolical dish in “The Dressing.”

Created, written and directed by The Kyles Sisters (Kozi Kyles and Kyra Kyles)
Myth Lab Entertainment
Podcast Engineer: Casey Baker
Intro/Outro Music “The Bayou’s Lament” by: Guillermo Cueva
La Cage De Monstre by Harpo Marks
Additional music/scoring by: Bogdan Babiyuk
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CAST
GREATMOMMA (NARRATOR): T.J. Pryor-Wells
BIG MAMA: TDK
JUSTIN: Reason Dixon
DANA: Harlesha Taylor
MILDRED: Dominica Ivey
CHRISTY: kittie KaBoom
PARIS: LaKira Porter
WALTER: Gary Scales
ANGELLE: Bianca Lemaire
STORE CLERK: Kal Getter
ANGRY CUSTOMER #1: Candace McAfee
ANGRY CUSTOMER #2: LaToya Cross
ANGRY CUSTOMER #3: TDK
CUSTOMER MOB: Kyra Kyles and Kozi Kyles
STORE EMPLOYEE: Casey Baker
STORE INTERCOM VOICE: Kozi Kyles
NEWS ANCHOR: Kyra Kyles
LIVE NEWS REPORTER/STACEY GATES:  Kozi Kyles
FOOTBALL ANNOUNCER: Casey Baker

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Transcript

Greatmomma 0:04

Myth Lab Entertainment presents Home for the Holidays. Growing up, we didn't fear Halloween. Our fright night was served up with collard greens, baked mac and cheese, a turkey deep fried, a glazed honey ham, and sweet potato pie. Around the table we'd sit, twitching in place, as Big Mama prayed her unending grace

Big Mama 0:36

for all the blessings.

Greatmomma 0:37

Uncle Lee smelled of reefer, grandpa of cigars. Aunt Ree brought the most shiftless boyfriend so far. Mama would remind her sons to stay in kids' places, while older cousin Jimmy challenged them to foot races. Divorces, politics, or an overcooked bird were our holiday horrors. Now, ain't that a word? What was supposed to be a day of deep gratitude was a kickoff for everyone's bad attitude. Scorned spaghetti, deflated pies, and a chitlin' feud would leave all the grown folks in a dangerous mood. So we take you now to a home. No, make that a table. To share the first of our family fables. Each more fearsome than the last. This one's truly distressing. And with that, my babies, I serve you: The Dressing.

Mildred 1:49

Dana! Better call Justin and tell him to bring more pie crusts. Your sister cremated these.

Dana 2:06

What's taking so long, Justin? Where are you now?

Justin 2:10

Just grabbed the pie crust.

Dana 2:12

Deep dish, right?

Justin 2:13

Yeah, yeah, deep dish. And now, headed for the cornmeal.

Dana 2:18

Please hurry. My folks are already at the house and wearing me out.

Justin 2:23

If you'd stop adding to the list, I'd be finished.

Dana 2:26

This is it, this is it, I swear. You know, you're looking for the Spiffy cornmeal mix, right? Yellow, not white. And it should be the box with the lady holding a black spoon. Check your phone because I texted you a picture.

Justin 2:40

Okay, I've gotta go. They're wildin' up in here. See you soon. Love you.

Greatmomma 2:45

Justin was about to find out the foot fist way. Why it's best to avoid grocery shopping on Thanksgiving Day. Baby, these people come ready to throw hands just to get the last hickory smoked ham. Justin was having trouble navigating this maze, and the search for Spiffy cornmeal put him in a daze. Luckily, he spotted a grocery store clerk. Too bad, dude, was a condescending jerk.

Angry Customer #1 3:10

Can I get some help over here, please? How are y'all out of turkey legs and wings on Thanksgiving? What kind of planning did you do?

Store Clerk 3:17

And what kind of planning did you do?

Angry Customer #3 3:20

These vegetables are rotten.

Store Clerk 3:22

I mean, when you shop last minute, you get the last of the inventory.

Angry Customer #1 3:27

And you need to start opening up more lines. I've been stuck in this store for over an hour.

Store Clerk 3:32

Oh yeah? Been over ten years for me.

Customer Mob 3:35

I'm never shopping here again.

Justin 3:38

Hey, hey, hey! They got this man out here working hard on the holiday, and he's doing the best he can. Give him a break.

Store Clerk 3:47

I appreciate you, bro.

Justin 3:49

Hold up. While I got you here, can you please tell me where to find... Damn! I'm blanking. Wait one second. I got a picture on my phone. Look.

Store Clerk 4:00

I mean, we got breasts, but not that kind. Only chicken and turkey here, bro.

Justin 4:10

Oh shit. My bad. My girl, uh, wife texted me that. Here's what I'm really looking for Spiffy cornmeal.

Store Clerk 4:18

Aisle 12 on the right. Bottom shelf.

Justin 4:21

My man. Appreciate you.

Store Clerk 4:23

But we sold out yesterday. Sunny cornmeal is on sale, though. Aisle 12 on the end cap.

Justin 4:30

Nah, my wife said it has to be Spiffy. And my mother-in-law don't play about her family recipes.

Store Clerk 4:36

Like I said, we're out.

Justin 4:38

But my wife is going to kill me. Think you could check in the back real quick?

Store Clerk 4:42

What is with you people and your obsession with the back of the store? There's no secret stash of cornmeal and turkey wings. What you see on the floor is what we've got.

Greatmomma 4:53

Now, Justin knew better than to get this mess. Why he took it to the register is anyone's guess. Several grandmas tried to stop him, but he took no heed. Guess he's a sucker, for buy one, get four free. Back at home, Dana, her sister Christy, and niece Paris were cooking. While Mama Mildred did some unasked overlooking. Mildred was good for corrections and zingers, but she wasn't too interested in lifting a finger. You'd think Mildred was the late great Leah Chase. The way she fussed at her daughters after every taste.

Mildred 5:34

I hope these little spiders aren't the crabs for the gumbo.

Dana 5:38

Mom, this holiday is supposed to be about giving thanks, not complaints. Just relax. Christy and I've got this.

Mildred 5:45

So y'all only using that frozen seasoning blend in the dressing this year? No fresh vegetables? Hmm. Interesting. You know those shortcuts usually mean short on flavor.

Dana 5:58

Justin said he'd be back with the extra peppers and onions in a minute. Why don't you go watch the game with Dad?

Mildred 6:05

I most certainly will not. I know how you and your sister like to get creative with these recipes during the holidays. You're not gonna ruin this meal listening to some tic-tac-toe chef that doesn't know shit. Slow down, Christy. That's way too much nutmeg.

Christy 6:24

Yes, chef. You do remember that I went to Spelman and not Le Cordon Bleu.

Mildred 6:30

Dana, I think these suburbs are turning you soft. That's not nearly enough poultry seasoning on these gizzards. Hit them with some more seasoning salt, too.

Dana 6:40

Mom, if you wrote these recipes down with actual measurements, we wouldn't have to go through this every year. I don't go by numbers. I go by taste. And that doesn't taste right.

Christy 6:52

Girl, don't even take the bait.

Dana 6:55

I'm about ready to take all this food and throw it in the deep fryer. It'll cook faster and this day can be over.

Justin 7:03

The champ is here.

Dana 7:04

Hey, babe, right on time. We were just talking about you.

Justin 7:09

I know. My ears are burning like Christy's turkey.

Christy 7:12

You a damn lie. My turkey smells good. Stop starting trouble.

Mildred 7:17

There will be no burned turkeys on my watch. Now get over here and give me some sugar. You did get our message about the powdered sugar, right?

Justin 7:26

Yes, I got all fifty-‘leven of your text and calls. Y'all wrong for sending me into that war zone.

Dana 7:32

I'm sorry, baby. Was it that bad?

Justin 7:35

Worse. It was damn near mortal combat in the meat department. One of the big backs got her wig snatched off fighting for a ham.

Mildred 7:42

Hmm. Looks like these peppers took a few punches too. Justin, what is this bruised mess you brought in here? I've never seen such. Did you go to a grocery store or to a junkyard? And this produce is covered in dirt.

Paris 8:00

Well, those vegetables do grow in the ground, Grandmama.

Christy 8:03

Paris. Check your tone. What did we talk about in the car?

Mildred 8:09

Oh Lord, this isn't even the right cornmeal for the dressing.

Paris 8:14

Ooh.

Justin 8:15

Nah, I got exactly what Dana told me to get. Yellow cornmeal mix.

Mildred 8:20

Well, this doesn't look yellow to me. Oh, smells funny. Oh, tastes funny too. I hope you kept the receipt. Because all this needs to go back.

Justin 8:32

Back where? Dana!

Dana 8:34

Justin, don't try to put this on me. I specifically said Spiffy. Let me see your phone because I know I sent you the picture of the box.

Justin 8:44

What the hell is wrong with you? Now see, if I grabbed your phone like that, it'd be a problem. You almost cracked the screen. Shit!

Christy 8:52

I guess you really did lose your mind out there. If you think you can yell at my sister like that.

Justin 8:57

We don't need you in this, Christy.

Paris 8:59

Don't talk to my mom like that.

Christy 9:00

Paris, we don't need you in this either.

Mildred 9:03

Okay. Everybody needs to hush up before I get in this. Forget about the damn dressing. I'll figure out something else to make. And stop all that yelling. My cakes are in the oven.

Justin 9:16

I'm sorry, ladies. I didn't mean to raise my voice like that. I was totally out of line and my behavior is inexcusable. Guess I'm still on edge from the store.

Paris 9:26

Isn't that an excuse?

Christy 9:28

Paris, I'm not gonna tell you again.

Justin 9:31

No, she's right. I made the mistake, so I need to make it right. Consider me your humble sous chef for the rest of the day. You can even put me on dressing duty this year. Paris, you want a tag team with your uncle?

Christy 9:43

Oh, you must really want that smoke. Since he's so big and bad, I say let him have it.

Justin 9:50

Cool. Challenge accepted.

Dana 9:52

Fine with me. I already seasoned up the livers and gizzards really good for you.

Mildred 9:58

Well, I wouldn't go that far. Let's just say an attempt was made.

Greatmomma 10:03

Justin got to work, powered by guilt, cutting, chopping, dicing, and seasoning to the hilt. With Paris by his side, he almost forgot the drama brewing with Christy, Dana, and their mama. He got into what you could call a good mood. But rest assured, he was not a good dude.

Paris 10:26

We need to make all this cornbread for the stuffing.

Justin 10:30

Well, technically, we're making dressing, not stuffing.

Paris 10:33

What's the difference?

Justin 10:35

Stuffing cooks inside the turkey, but this bad boy right here has to stand on its own. Hand me the baking dish.

Paris 10:44

Eww, are those bugs?

Justin 10:47

Are you talking about those little black dots in the cornmeal? Girl, that ain't nothing but part of the corn kernel. Watch this.

Paris 10:54

Uh-uh, you ate it? Yuck! That's nasty.

Justin 10:59

You crazy. Ain't nothing wrong with this. Now we need to combine all the wet ingredients with the dry ingredients and make sure to mix everything up good.

Paris 11:08

Why is it moving like that?

Justin 11:11

Uh um, that's just the baking powder and baking soda doing their thing. You never made a volcano model for that fancy private school?

Paris 11:21

Yuck! It smells like granddad's feet. Uncle Justin, your phone's blowing up again.

Justin 11:32

Okay, think you can finish mixing while I take this call?

Paris 11:36

I guess.

Justin 11:48

Did you forget I told you to stop calling my phone? I'm tired of this shit.

Angelle 11:52

Do you ever get tired of being dumb and dusty? How long were you gonna let me keep a plate warm for you while you ran to the store?

Justin 11:58

You know I'm with my family today.

Angelle 12:01

Maybe it's time we all met. I'll come through.

Greatmomma 12:05

Now, as I mentioned, Justin wasn't a real family man. But running away with this woman wasn't the plan. If she came to his house, it'd be a hell of a night.

Justin 12:16

Bitch, pop up at my house and it's on sight.

Mildred 12:25

Did I tell you that I talked to your cousin Maya today? She said she and Albert might stop by with the twins. Won't that be nice? I know you both heard me. Well, I bet Paris would enjoy seeing her cousins and having some other kids her age to hang out with. Get her out of grown folks' business for a change.

Christy 12:46

Mama, I can count for you on one finger how many times Paris has thought about those badass twins. And before they come stepping up in here late with their hands and foil out, can we please establish a stopping by menu? That seafood gumbo that took us four hours to make is off limits. That's for day ones only.

Dana 13:07

That part.

Christy 13:08

And can we all agree their nasty stuffed mushrooms are not a fair exchange for any part of the turkey? Not even the neck.

Mildred 13:17

That is so ugly. I didn't raise y'all to be that stingy. Walter, do you hear your daughters?

Walter 13:23

That's about all I'm hearing. And not the damn game.

Dana 13:26

Mama, you know, if they try to take some of your precious greens, you'd be ready to fight.

Mildred 13:31

Oh, they better not. They're not crazy.

Christy 13:36

Dang, Daddy. You have the heat cranked up in here to 90 degrees. And got the nerve to be wrapped up in a blanket, too. Sis, I can't take this heat. I'm opening the window. There Justin goes again on that phone. That's the third time. Sis, come look. Um, don't you have three bathrooms in this house? So why is he crouching down behind that bush?

Dana 14:09

I could really do without these surveillance reports. Get away from the window and sit down.

Greatmomma 14:15

I'm guessing you can tell by now that Dana is oblivious. But her big sister Christy was more than suspicious. Mysterious calls, new colognes and clothes, the more Justin cut clown, the higher her antenna rose. She was determined to snap little sis out of her daze, even if it meant going full CIA. She snuck into the kitchen, and while Justin was baking, his phone sat on the counter, ripe for the taking. Faking a peek to see if the pies had cooled. She grabbed his iPhone, time to cook this fool.

Christy 14:52

Quick! What's his passcode?

Dana 14:54

Are you crazy? Put Justin's phone back now.

Mildred 14:57

Christy, stop minding your sister's business. Walter, tell her to stay out of Dana's business.

Walter 15:03

I'm gonna mind my own damn business and watch this game. Shh.

Mildred 15:08

Sorry, honey. Christy, just because you gave up on your own marriage, doesn't mean you need to drag your sister down, too.

Christy 15:16

What? You don't even know what you're talking about.

Mildred 15:19

40 years of marriage says I do.

Greatmomma 15:22

Huh. You would think Mildred had it all figured out. But her tips to keeping a man might trigger some doubt. Fix him a plate first. Keep your makeup on beat. Let him watch sports. Above all, keep the peace. She thought her wisdom and advice could serve to inspire. But the fact was her man was just old and tired. If she thought back through the decades, she might see the truth. He'd slipped out the back door a time or two. There is no recipe, hairstyle, or brand new dress that can keep a man who don't want to be kept.

Mildred 16:01

Now you got my grandbaby being bounced around every holiday.

Christy 16:05

How much you want to bet that Paris isn't the only one house-hopping?

Mildred 16:09

Enough! I don't want to hear this either.

Christy 16:11

Dana, don't let mama get in your head. You're the one in this marriage. So this needs to be your call. What do you want to do?

Dana 16:20

I don't...

Christy 16:21

You should flame this fool at Grace.

Dana 16:26

As we gather around this table today, I know that I am truly blessed. Lord, I thank you for this delicious food and precious time with my wonderful family. I'm especially thankful for my loving partner in the kitchen and in life, Justin. You and Paris came through big time with this dressing.

Mildred 16:46

Amen. Looks beautiful. Like I made it.

Walter 16:50

They did their thing.

Dana 16:51

May you open our hearts

Christy 16:53

and eyes

Dana 16:54

to receive all of your gifts. Amen.

Family 16:58

Amen.

Walter 16:59

Now, let's eat. Y'all been blessing this food for 30 minutes.

Paris' Phone 17:07

Hey girly.

Mildred 17:09

Let's try to enjoy one day of peace. Everybody put the phones away. And Walter, please turn off the football game.

Walter 17:17

Why? So we can all hear you chew? No thank you. The game's almost over, Mildred.

Mildred 17:24

Fine. But those phones need to be silenced and put away. Now, pass them on over to me.

Justin 17:30

I'm trying. I can't find my...

Christy 17:32

Here. You dropped this earlier. Ni**a, I'm on to you.

Greatmomma 17:37

As Justin gazed at his phone, his good mood soured. He had 10 missed calls, 20 new texts, all in an hour. At this point, Justin wasn't concerned about keeping his wife, so much as he was worried about losing his life.

Justin 17:54

Can y'all excuse me for a sec? I really need to take this.

Walter 18:02

Here they go interrupting my game again.

News Anchor 18:05

Breaking news this evening, the Pinwheel Food Company is issuing a recall today for specific lots of its Sunny cornmeal mix. This is due to concerns that they may be contaminated with harmful bacteria. We go now to Stacey Gates, who's reporting live from Bronzeville with more. Stacey?

Live News Reporter (Stacey Gates) 18:21

That's right. The FDA has reported 15 cases of illness in Illinois and one death. So far, the tainted cornmeal has been traced to Squawk and Squeal stores in the following neighborhoods: Bronzeville, Englewood, North Lawndale, and Roseland. I'm Stacey Gates. Back to you in the studio.

News Anchor 18:44

If you purchased any of these products, do not use them or consume them. Consumers are being advised to throw them away immediately or return to the place of purchase for a full refund. Now for a cat parade down the middle of Lincoln Park.

Mildred 18:58

These stores love to come to Black neighborhoods, but never offer the same quality of products. We need to boycott y'all. You know uh, I marched with Dr. King.

Christy 19:08

You're gonna give back all this food. Dana, didn't this come from Squawk and Squeal?

Dana 19:20

Uh uh, yeah. Justin, what are you doing?

Justin 19:30

I need to check the lot numbers on the corn meal boxes.

Dana 19:33

Why? Where did this food come from? Wait, were you in Bronzeville today? Is that why you took so long? Are you seeing that bitch again?

Christy 19:49

It's daddy! He was eating some food and just fell out.

Mildred 19:53

Somebody give me my purse from the guest bathroom. I have his medicine.

Christy 19:57

Paris, go upstairs and get grandma's bag, quick.

Justin 20:02

The fuck?

Dana 20:03

Is that shit moving?

Greatmomma 20:06

Yes, ma'am, the dressing rose up. All in them giblets and liver, making it look like a flowing brown river. It gobbled the turkey, then sopped up a biscuit. Mildred almost reached out to save the greens, but was smart not to risk it. It sucked down cranberry sauce, knocked over the good mac and cheese, moving faster down the table with relative ease. The disgusting brown slop showed no signs of retreating.

Christy 20:35

Oh my god. This dressing! Holy shit! It's eating! Damn it! The gumbo's all gone. Turkey wings! Roast!

Dana 20:46

Mom! No! Leave it!

Greatmomma 20:53

Mildred took a swing at the dressing, but it had just grown too big. That thing sucked her down whole then spit out her wig.

Dana 21:03

That thing ate mom.

Justin 21:06

Come on, we gotta get the hell out of here!

Dana 21:08

I can't leave without my dad. Help me move him.

Justin 21:13

Baby, he's cold. My dad's always cold. No, I don't think he's breathing. Look, we gotta go now. You see that shit has a taste for dark meat.

Dana 21:26

Christy, what the hell are you doing?

Christy 21:29

Looking for the salt and that bottle of sage. We need to cleanse and protect this place from evil. We don't have holy water, but but we got the holy trinity.

Dana 21:37

Sage, all you're gonna do is season that thing, and you'll end up just like mom.

Justin 21:42

We need to be running, not casting spells, ladies. More footwork, less root work.

Christy 21:49

Paris, don't don't come down here. Baby, stay back. It's not safe.

Paris 21:56

But I got granddad's shot from the bathroom, and this. Says this disinfectant kills 99.9% of viruses and bacteria.

Justin 22:06

It's working.

Dana 22:08

Run! Everybody try to make it to the back door.

Justin 22:15

Y'all, take Paris and go to the neighbors. I'll meet you there.

Christy 22:19

We need to call the police. Or, poison control. Where did mom put our phones?

Justin 22:23

Christy! Did you take my phone again? It's not in my pocket.

Christy 22:27

I don't have your damn phone.

Dana 22:29

I do. What's the passcode? Stop fucking around and give her the passcode.

Paris 22:37

Hurry! That thing is coming back!

Christy 22:40

Do you wanna die, dummy? Give her the code!

Justin 22:43

Three, four, two, six, three, six! Uh, baby, I'm not gonna lie. You might be seeing some stuff right now that could use an explanation. I did some stupid things in the moment of weakness, but please know that I always loved you.

Dana 23:04

What is all of this? Whose breasts are these?

Justin 23:08

You got that promotion and started working late. I admit, I got a little restless. Then you was acting like you didn't want to do the stuff you did before we got married. You know the stuff I'm talking about?

Christy 23:21

Nasty! Dana, I told you his ass wasn't shit. What did I say?

Dana 23:26

You and Paris should go.

Christy 23:28

Hell no! I'm not leaving you with this monster or that one.

Dana 23:32

Go! I'm choosing to stay with my husband.

Christy 23:36

You better than me. Well, at least take this spray can. We'll be back with help.

Justin 23:44

Spray it, quick! It's on my fucking foot! What are you doing? Don't just stand there. Help me! Oh god! It's on my thigh!

Dana 24:02

Looks like you got yourself a real freak. And she swallows.

Angelle 24:09

Come on out, clown! I know you're in there. I can hear you breathing, stupid.

Dana 24:17

You must be my husband's work friend. Angelle, right? He mentioned you might stop by.

Angelle 24:24

Friend? Look, I didn't come here to fight, but you should know that your man has been...

Dana 24:29

I know. Look, let's talk about this inside like adults. I even saved you a plate.

Store Announcer 24:57

Customer service needed.

Store Employee 25:03

Hey, uh, sir, what should I do? We've got at least fifty customers demanding to return that Sunny cornmeal mix.

Store Clerk 25:10

Oh Christ! Tell them to line up by the customer service desk, and I'll be there in a second. And start putting the Spiffy cornmeal on the shelves. Move! Let's go!

Store Employee 25:22

Where is it?

Store Clerk 25:24

Back of the store.

Greatmomma 25:42

The rest of the family is still talking about the dressing to this day. An entire branch of relations just gobbled away. It shows what happens when you step out on your tried and true. Whether it's the cornbread or your family, karma will come to get you. Nah, contaminated dressing wasn't the only danger. That dinner was served with a side of lies and anger. It also proved the old saying, without a doubt, you just can't eat at everybody's house. So when you sit down at the table and say your blessing, make sure your menu doesn't include the dressing. Myth Lab Entertainment presents: Home for the Holidays. A new horror comedy anthology. Tune in for the next episode of Home for the Holidays. A meddling woman gets more than she bargained for when she bothers her strange neighbor about his holiday display in: "All of the Lights." Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.